The Blog of Magnus Bane
by ThemPeskyParsnips
Summary: Magnus Bane just made a blog. Here, he tells the world of his plan to get Jace and Clary together. He's also trying to get to Alec... Oh, and Chairman Meow is there! Not to mention his hilarious stories. Read Magnus' blog to find out more... AU/Slightly OOC. Clace/Malec/Sizzy
1. Chapter 1

**- The Blog of Magnus Bane -**

**Chapter 1**

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**Disclaimer: We don't own The Mortal Instruments.**

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Welcome to my fantastic blog! I had Isabelle set this up for me so I could entertain you all with my crazy antics.

Anyway, I am the high warlock of Brooklyn. I've been alive for quite some time and that's as much as we need to go into that subject...  
So, as you may know, Jace, Alexander, and Isabelle were at some club, fighting demons and what not. Then, this cute little redhead named Clary Fray came along and BOOM! She's a Shadowhunter? Say what?

LOL. No, I knew all along so in their faces.

She's been living at the Institute for four months now with the Lightwood's. She's such a doll! Polite, gorgeous, and brave.

Alexander couldn't care less about the poor girl.

Isabelle on the other hand is quite excited about her new "sister". Clary has been manhandled and violated so much...

And, Jace. Oh, Jace. That hunk of a Herondale... I've noticed how awkward he's been getting when Clary's around. He just stands there, plays with his hands, and never looks at her directly. Weird. Seems like someone's got a little tiny microscopic HUGE crush.

On to more important things.

Alexander Gideon Lightwood is amazing.

Who said that? Oh, Chairman Meow, always wanting to type your feelings for people. How cute.

And, no, I'm not just saying that my cat is the one who typed it because I don't want Alexander to know my true feelings. No.

My cat enjoys keyboards.

Heh. Keyboard cat.

That reminds of a conversation I had with Jace earlier today:  
I was watching Keyboard Cat on the Internet, when someone rang the bell from downstairs. I got up and asked who it was.

"Who is it?"

"It's...Jace," came the reply.

I rang him up without responding. Now, what on Earth would Jace be doing here? He isn't that fond of me. Nor I of him.

Moments later, Jace was in my apartment. His blonde hair was frayed - heh. Fray...ed - all around his angular face.

I sat in a chair across from the sofa, holding Chairman Meow much like Cee Lo Green used to do on 'The Voice'. I wonder if I looked like some sort of evil genius mastermind...

Jace sat down on the sofa, rubbing his knees nervously. "Hey, Magnus. I wanted to ask you a question..."

"You came all the way here to ask me a question?" I was surprised. He usually just portals here... Or gets Clary to make one for him, rather.

"Yeah," he said quickly. "I was...uh...wondering if Clary ever talks about me."

I took a deep breath, but heard music coming from my computer. I turned my head a little to the side. The cat was STILL going. Why is this so entertaining?

"Magnus!"

I was snapped out of my trance. "Oh, right. Clary does say some things about you."

"Really? What does she say?"

"...My mother told me not to say those kinds of words."

Jace practically face-palmed himself when he put his head in his hands. He sighed very loudly and longingly. Then, he sighed again.

And again.

And again.

"What do you want from me!?"

He looked up at me. His eyes were holding a mischievous glint, as did his trademark smirk. "Oh, nothing, Magnus. I just want to know if you've told Alec yet."

...Say what?

"Uhm. What? I don't know what you're talking about."

"But you do," Jace said. "And if you don't help me get closer to Clary, Alec will know of your little cru-"

"OKAAY. Okay," I interrupted. "Sheesh. I'll help you, alright?"

Jace just smiled and stood up. "Kay. Bye."

Then he left.

So, here I am. With a keyboard piano thing. Trying to get my cat to play like the one on YouTube.

I definitely have a life.

Alexander can't know anything. Not about my undying love for him. Or my insane obsession with the Internet. Although, that one might be kind of obvious...

But, anyway. How am I supposed to get Jace and Clary together? Usually Jace has no problem with flirting or getting the girl. He really is whipped.

LIKE WHIPPED CREAM.

Again, Chairman? Why...?

First thing's first: come up with a cool code name.

Clary+Jace... Hmm.

Jary? Jerry? Man, that sounds like a terrible name. Or half of an ice cream brand...  
Hey, everyone! It's Jary! Aren't they the cutest couple?!

...no.

CLACE! That's it.

This is Mission Clace-able. You know? Like Mission Impossible. But I used Clace instead.

I'll shut up now.

-Magnus x

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**A/N: Well. This shall be fun.**

**Hey, there! We are ThemPeskyParsnips, and welcome to this brand new story! :D**

**Here's the dealio: This is an AU. Clary and Jace aren't in love. Magnus and Alec aren't and adorable couple. Yet. But you'll have to wait for that to happen.**

**We shall update every week!**

**PLEASE REVIEW! We really want to know what you think about this so far. Keep going? Stop? Just leave? ANYTHING!**

**Also...LONGER CHAPPIES IF YOU REVIEW! ;)**

**Bye.**

**XOXO,**

**ThemPeskyParsnips**


	2. Chapter 2

-The Blog of Magnus Bane: Chapter Two-

What's up, buttercup?

Nah... Sounds too girly even for me and my magnificent glittery-ness.

Sooo, some amount of time later, and now SOMEHOW I'm not allowed to watch Keyboard Cat anymore. It's blocked from my computer!

I don't know what to do... I feel so... Lost inside.

LOL no. Just kidding :) But seriously, now what do I watch? Leave your suggestions in the NEW comments bar below! So now I can see what you all think of me. Don't be scared to leave a bad review or questions for my magnificent self, by the way.

Yay me for shameless self-advertising! Bah, I don't feel that cheery today. I'll just stick with sarcasm.

Have you ever heard some of those morbid jokes? They're so mean but they're also kinda funny. But then you feel bad for laughing at them.

So anyways, this week was rather uneventful. Summoned a few demons for interrogations, went out to lunch with some Nephilim, covered my cat in glitter, the usual.

Oh! But I did find this rather... Interesting site called Wattpad. Has anyone gone on there before? They have a lot of One Direction fanfictions on there, and if I wasn't so infatuated with my darling Alexander, I would just Portal to wherever they'll be next. Probably London, although I'm not sure I want to go back there anymore...

Maybe I'll break the rules and kidnap them to Peru.

What's that you say, Chairman Meow? I'm banned from Peru by the High Council of Peruvian Warlocks?

Oh yeah. Talk about party poopers...

Well this is getting quite boring. I think I'll go and canoodle in my ginormous bed all by my amazing self.

-Magnus xx

-COMMENTS-

HotelDuMort- Willing to hire anyone to supply us blood. We are thirsty.

funnymouth- bluud bluud bluud

BloodthirstyBeasts- QUACK. QUACK. QUACK. QUACK. QUACK. QUACK.

cityofclockwork- have you heard from tessa lately bc i dunno how to contact her HALP MEH

LuvMe1D- ERMAHGERD ONE DIRECTION IS AHMAZAYN OH MY FLACK AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH ASDFGHJKL *faints* if u talk abt 1D evry week i will luv u 5eva omg

GlitterSales- FREE GLITTER HERE! To purchase, please email us your contact information, birth date, phone number, Social Security number, and birth certificate at identitytheft . Thank you for your business!

NotACop- Are you a druggie? Send me a picture of your favorite meth lab along with the adress and your name!

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Sighing, I flopped down on my bed exhausted from the day. I had gone shopping for something to get for my dearest darlingest Alexander for Christmas, even though it was months away. I had not a clue what to get him.

Hair gel from Ricky's? Ge wouldn't use it.

New weapons? He'll probably get some from Jace anyways.

So what on Earth could I get this child as a gift? A llama? No, it'd probably take a piss on his already ratty clothes...

Wait a second...Clothes! We don't have the same style - obviously, no one has as great a fashion sense as I - but I'm sure he could use some new, hole-less sweaters. Or maybe he'll take a sparkly headband because if it were blue it would totally bring out his eyes.

With those few thoughts, I was up and out the door, shouting a quick goodbye to Chairman Meow, whom I had been softly stroking while meandering through my thoughts. I had only pulled on a light jacket over my colorful attire, and that was not the best idea I'd had, considering I lived in New York City and it was nearing Halloween.

Maybe he'll even wear what I buy for him!


	3. Chapter 3

**The Blog of Magnus Bane**

**Chapter 3**

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**Disclaimer: I don't own TMI. If I did, I think I'd be Magnus' BFFL..**

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Hey,

So, remember how Jace is somewhat blackmailing me? Yeah? Kay, well, I've decided to put Mission Clace-Possible into action.

It started with me talking to Clary all morning.

"Magnus?"

She was dressed in short-shorts and a tank top when she opened her bedroom door. She was pulling her long, curly, red hair into a tight bun on top of her head.

"Good morning, cuteness! How 'bout you and me chat?"

Clary sighed in exasperation, leaning against her doorframe. "You realize it's six in the morning, right?"

"Of course I do, silly," I said, pushing past her, entering her room.

Clary stumbled back, but followed me in after closing her door. She walked over to her bed -which was a mess- , and pulled her comforter around her. I sat across from her in her desk chair.

"So, what'd you want to talk about?" Clary asked me.

"Oh, you know. Just...stuff," I replied. I didn't really know how to just start asking her about Jace.

"You did not wake me up this early on a Saturday to talk about 'stuff.'" She sounded pretty mad. Not good.

"I just-"

"You know what?" Clary interrupted. "Tell me about the fabulous Magnus Bane. We don't really know each other, so, why not?" She smiled at me.

She chose my favorite topic. Me.

So, I launched into a three hour tale of my life. It was filled with so much awkwardness and insanity, although, I regret nothing. Clary was laughing a lot, which made me realize some guy would be lucky to have her. Oh, wait. Jace wants her.

"So, Clary. Enough about me. Let's talk about a certain blonde boy who lives in the room across the hall. I prefer dark-haired and mysterious, mainly with the last name Light-"

"You wanna talk about Jace?" she interrupted. Again.

"Well, of course. I want to know what you think of him," I said, trying to be nonchalant.

"Well, he's an arrogant, cocky, jerk who thinks he can get anyone he wants." Not everyone. "He thinks he's just the greatest thing in the world. But guess what? He's not."

Dang, getting Clace together is going to be harder than I thought.

"I mean," she went on, "with his amber eyes that can melt right through you, and his golden hair that curls perfectly...How can you not want him?"

Score!

"Wait, I meant to say that no girl should want him and his cute smile. I mean his terrible attitude. Yeah. His attitude," she said, finally shutting up.

"Clary. It sounds like you have a little crush," I told her.

She covered her face with a pillow. "Is it that obvious?" came her muffled response.

"Sweetie. You just gave a full blown rant. It's pretty obvious."

"Ugh! It's not like he likes me. Whenever girls even glance at him, he's flirting like crazy. He doesn't even notice me..." she complained.

"Don't be so sure," I mumbled to myself.

"What did you say?" Clary took the pillow away from her face.

"Nothing. Why did you ask?" I tried to be clueless. She's not suppose to know about Jace blackmailing me.

"You definitely said something."

"I didn't."

"Yes, you did."

"Nope."

"Yeah. Magnus, tell me!"

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Liar!"

"No need for name calling!"

"You brought this on yourself!"

We were quiet for several minutes. Clary was glaring at me with her green eyes. Angel, it's like they're seeping into my soul!

"So, how long have you liked a Lightwood?"

My eyes widened at her. "Uhm. What?"

"Don't play dumb with me, Magnus. Earlier you said you prefer dark-haired and mysterious. Ring a bell?"

Well, darn.

I can't let this slip. She can't know that I've been madly in love with Alec for years. I have kept it a secret that long, and I'm not letting it go that easily! I am stronger than that!

"I'm in love with Alec."

Wait, what? Ugh...

Clary started to squeal like a thirteen year old girl who just won tickets to a Justin Bieber concert. Yeah, that kind of screaming. You know what I mean.

By doing this, she woke up the whole Institute. And the first person to her room was...?

You guessed it. Alec.

...And he was shirtless.

Kill me now.

"Alec, I'm fine. Okay? No need to worry," Clary said, trying to convince Alec no one was kidnapping her. "I just screamed 'cause I saw a spider. Magnus killed it for me."

Alec looked over at me, and I did one of those awkward wave things. You know, the one where you kind of wiggle your fingers? Yeah, awkward.

"Thanks, Mags," he said. I nodded.

Can you hear the bells? No? Guess it's just me...

Suddenly, there were footsteps behind Alec. Jace ran into the room.

"Clary? Are you okay? I heard screaming," he said.

Oh, did I forget to mention that he was also shirtless? I did? Oh.

WELL, THERE ARE TWO SHIRTLESS MALE SHADOWHUNTERS WITH SIX PACKS IN CLARY'S ROOM.

I should come here more often.

Anyway...

"I'm fine, Jace," Clary said, blushing slightly. Probably from Jace's lack of clothing. I shouldn't really talk though. I feel like my face will explode from redness.

"You sure?" he kept pestering.

Hmm. Pester? Pe-s-ter. Pester. Weird word...

"Positive," Clary said, slightly smiling. That's when Jace saw what Clary was wearing. Now it was quite awkward.

He's just standing there, practically undressing her with his eyes.

Eww.

Luckily, he'd snapped out of it and started lecturing Clary on the importance of keeping a weapon with you at all times.

You go, Wayland. Lecture the girl to get her to love you. Great job.

I didn't even notice that Alec had been staring at me.

"I'm gonna go get dressed," Alec announced. But before he left, he turned to me. "Oh, Magnus? You look really nice today."

I'm dead.

"Oh, God," I heard Jace mumble.

"Thank you, Alexander," I said, smiling. And blushing.

He smiled back and left.

I turned to the future couple. Clary's eyes were wide while Jace had his face in his hands. Then, Clary started to scream again.

So, yeah. That's how that went. Clary knows. Jace knows. Heck, I bet Alec knows!

Whatever. I still have my cat.

Magnus xo

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**A/N: I'm sorry I didn't post last weekend. I feel terrible.**

**I hope this chappie was entertaining enough for you! I had fun writing it!**

**Question: WHEN DO YOU WANT TO SEE SOME CLACE?**

**Review! :)**

**ThemPeskyParsnips**


	4. Chapter 4 suggestive wink

**New chapter! Let's see what shall happen, eh? *suggestive wink***

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I like big butts and I cannot lie!

Sounds like something a horny faerie would sing, eh? You know, because they can't lie... heh... Yeah.

On to more important matters... I've been thinking of ways to get some Clace action going on, and I just can't come up with a single thing! If I were to trick them by inviting both of them to see me, and then having them meet up with each other, they'd figure it out. I mean, seriously. Their rooms are across the hall from each other's and surely they're smarter than that!

It's not like I can sell them fake One Direction tickets or anything, either... Because, you know, I doubt Jace (the stupid twat) enjoys their music. Or Clary, for that matter.

Oh! I know!

No wait, false alarm. I have no clue.

GIMME SOME HELP HERE GUYS!

maybe you can tell clary to meet you somewhere via portal and have jace be there instead

Thank you, Chairman Meow, but I think I just figured something out! Clary can draw a Portal and meet "me" *cough*Jace*cough* somewhere *cough*in a cl - no, a locked room*cough* (I don't want to have them come out of the closet, because that would just be a disaster all around) AND THEN VOILA! CLACE HAS BEEN BORN.

i just said that exact same thing

Nuh uh.

yes

But you can't talk! You're typing these things!

"Maybe I can talk, hey?"

I gasped, looking down at my small, odd looking cat sitting in my lap. "Did you just-"

"Meow."

"meow."

"Meow."

"oh boo you, Chariman Meow! I honsetly thought I had a talking cat on my hands! Not that I couldn't enchant you and make you able to speak, but still..." I trailed off, lost in my own thoughts.

BACK TO TYPING.

WHY AM I TYPING IN ALL CAPS?

WHERE'S THE CAPS LOCK BUTTON?

I CAN'T FIND IT!

HELP ME, CHAIRman meow OHHHH I think he found it.

I really am horrible with technology...

You know, that reminds me of Henry. I wonder how him and Simon would get along...

You know how instead of "Get along," in Britain they say "get on"? That's just weird. Because HERE, IN AMERICA, "get on" means le sexy time.

Not the best thing to be going around saying.

Although personally, there are plenty of British bo-people I would be more than happy to get on with.

*suggestive wink* If you know what I mean...

There's also quite a few American people I could get on with. I get along with Alec pretty well, so you could say we get on a lot.

My darling Alexander, wherefore art thou?

DOTH MOTHER KNOW, YOU WEARETH HER DRAPES?

lol Tony Stark/Iron Man/Robert Downey Jr. is hilarious. Don't you think?

I have such a bad case of ADHD.

SQUIRREL!

...

...

...

See? It's right over there!

i think everyone was thinking about your adhd magnus

Oh shut up you stupid cat!

i cant talk tho remember

THEN STOP TYPING LIKE YOU CAN! I'm about ready to take you to the nearest pet shelter! Or throw you out the window like 24/7! (A/N: Science class joke :))

no no no no no pls let me stay i luv you master pls

You have extremely crude grammar and spelling skills, you know that?

well its probly because i cant talk

Just go eat a mouse or something, please. I'm trying to get Clace together, yet all I've accomplished is arguing with my cat and hallucinating that he can talk!

well mehhhhhh to you too master

KEEP THE CHANGE, YOU FILTHY ANIMAL!

bye

Adios, bitchacho.

lol did I really just say that to a male cat? A bitch is a female dog... I really do have ADHD don't I?

Don't you come back over here, Chairman Meow!

I think I know why he ran away during his birthday party that one time...

Oops. I am really bad at taking care of pets, aren't I?

Don't answer that.

Well, I do believe that I may go and put my plan into action. I'll keep you updated. *third suggestive wink for some reason*

Peace out Girl Scouts!

Magnus the Magnificent Warlock xx

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**How'd ya like it? By the way, there are two authors of this story. I'm Avian, I write the evens chapters (thus far) and TheHerondaleGirl writes the odds. We switch off :) I hope you like this update! I tried to add in a bit of me. Actually, this chapter probably sums up my thoughts perfectly...**

**Avian *mwah***


	5. Chapter 5

**The Blog of Magnus Bane**

**Chapter 5**

**Disclaimer: Don't own TMI. I'd have my own Jace if I did.**

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Dear Internet,

I'd put the plan into action.

Sure, Jace and Clary didn't suspect anything at first, but now I'm dead. They want to kill me with those steles.

Here's how it went:

I had managed to convince both Clary and Jace to meet at the training room in the Institute at one o'clock this afternoon. They both agreed, thinking they were meeting with me.

Little did they know, I was planning on forcing them to be together for at least an hour. 'How' you might ask? Well...

I have an invisibility cloak. No, not like the one on Harry Potter. Mine is far more superior. Mine is more like a glittery bath robe.

At one, Clary came into the training room. She was dressed in a white V-neck shirt, dark shorts, and combat boots. Her hair was straightened, stopping just near her waist.

She looked really nice for just meeting me in a smelly room.

About five minutes and Clary getting more impatient later, Jace walked in. He was dressed in a black shirt and jeans.

He looked like her really didn't care about being here. Well, until he saw Clary.

As soon as it registered that this was to help him, he put that stupid smirk on his face and began to walk toward Clary.

I decided to take this opportunity to lock the door with mah magic and such. Because I can.

Anywho, Jace was being quite suave, although there was a hint of nervousness in the air. Which was new. Those Herondale's never got nervous.

Clary smiled at him a bit. "Hey. What are you doing in here?"

"Oh. Uhm, Magnus wanted to talk to me," he said.

Ick. I don't converse with him unless I reallllly have to.

"Same. Do you think he was planning this?" Clary walked toward the door, and, in the process, she involuntarily stretched her arms above her head. As she did, her shirt rode up on her back.

You could practically see Jace drooling.

When he regained his composure, he jogged next to Clary, who was now standing at the door. Their proximity to each other was extremely make out worthy, so I decided to give them more help.

I tip toed underneath my Potter robe, slowly and carefully.

Clary looked up at Jace, and their eyes met. It was 'The Look'. You know the one, right? Like, when you meet the love of your life and time stops moving? Yeeeeah. That look.

Perfect time for a kiss.

I gracefully inched my way over.

Closer.

Closer.

Cloooosssseeeer-

And I tripped. Over a cat.

My robe slipped off of me, revealing my presence. Clary and Jace moved away from each other with a start, anger in their eyes.

"Hey, guys..." I said very naturally.

"Hi, Mags," Clary said in a creepily sweet voice.

"Yeah, hi," Jace echoed through clenched teeth.

This is bad. This is not good at all. So, I did what any great warlock would do.

I RAAAN FO MY LIFE.

That's what happened. And I'm not proud of it. Usually, cats love me. I'm their friend, and they're mine. I guess true colors show at some point.

Gosh, Church.

Anyway. Now to the now. I have exciting news.

Alec. Is. In. My. House.

He claimed that there is a demon creature lurking around, but frankly? I think it's just Chairman Meow. He can get feisty.

"Magnus?"

I look up to see my blue-eyed darling coming into the living room. He had a playful glint in his eye.

Oh. And he's just staring at me. It's- it's...

THE LOOK.

ERMAHGERD ALEC LIGHTWOOD IS GIVING ME THE LOOK! Somebody pinch meeee!

Ow! Chairman. No.

"What is it, Alexander? Any monsters under the bed?" More like in the closet...

"Haha, no, Magnus. Although I did check," he laughed.

"That's good. That's very good," I look into his crystal eyes, which are making me melt.

Alec's hand comes up to my face, brushing a loose strand of hair behind my ear. (I didn't spike it up today. I'm glad I didn't!) His hand trailed down my cheek, his fingertips burning a path down my face.

Alec retracted his hand, and smiled. "Well, see ya."

Then, he leaves.

I'm, like, dying right now. Okay?

Did that really just happen?! My heart is pounding so much. I can hear bells, and-and, I AM IN LOOOOVE, BABY!

But, you already knew that. ;)

I'm gonna have to end that here, blog.

See ya next time,

The Future Magnus Lightwood xo

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**A/N: I AM SO SORRY. I HAD TERRIBLE WRITERS BLOCK, AND I HAVE BEEN SUPAH BUSY. **

**Forgive meh.**

**And sorry it's so short. :(**

**HAVE YOU GUYS SEEN THE GERMAN MOVIE TRAILER FOR THE MOVIE!? THERE'S CLACEEEEE!**

**But, please review! 10+ reviews, and there may or may not be some Clace action in Chapter 7...**

***hint hint***

**REVIEW, LOVES.**

**-TheHerondaleGirl xo**


	6. Chapter 6

HEY Y'ALL! FIRST JOINT CHAPTER!

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Another week, another failed attempt at matchmaking...

So the other day, I decided to try and convince Clary that Jace hated her and that she should become a nun.

Don't ask why, my 900-year-old brain does not withstand feline perr pressure very well.

Did I mention? Alec was in on it too. In a way...

"WHAT?"

"I'm sorry, he just brought this to my attention the other day."

"Why would Jace hate me? Have I said anything wrong?"

"..."

"Why are you avoiding my eyes, Magnus? Got something to say for yourself?"

"Maybeyoushouljoinanunnery"

"Slower, please."

"Maybe you should... become a nun?"

"..."

"..."

"..."

"Look Clary... You're shorter than a pixie, your hair is that atrocious shade of blood red and let's face it... Jace is too gorgeous to ever love you."

"Wh-why should I take your word on th-that?" Her shoulders were shuddering with choked-back sobs.

Purrfect. Although I feel kinda guilty for totally lying to her, but, you know, all part of the plan. *cue winky face*

"Clary, Clary, Clary." I soothed. "We can both can become nuns!"

She stopped crying, and gave me a strange look. I was just smiling like an idiot. It's what happens, mkay.

Later that day, Clary and I arrived at a nunnery. Upon arrival, we received nun-clothes. Yes, that's what they're called. Your argument is invalid.

"Welcome, sister," the man-woman greeted us at the door, "and a mister. You are not the only male we have here..."

...Kay...

"Come on, let us go talk about things," the lady led us out to the courtyard.

We followed in silence. Well, not for me... I like Ke$ha, so...

"I FEEL YOUR HEEEART BEAT TO THE BEAT OF THE DRRRRUMS. OH WHAT A SHAME THAT YA CAME HERE WITH SOMEOOOOONE. SO WHILE YOU'RE-"

"Magnus!" Clary interrupted. "SHUT UP!"

"Sister Clarissa! You will not say that to Sister Mags," the woman who's name I never caught told us. I wonder who she is.

"Magnus," Clary whispered when we started walking again. "Why on earth were you singing?"

"The acoustics in here are wonderful," I whispered back.

The corridors began to get wider, with more stain glass windows and even a few suits of armor. A few nuns were bustling around, their hands full of important, religious-looking books and objects.

"ALLLLLL I NEEED IS A BEAUTY AND A BEAT," a blue-eyed nun sang from behind us.

All of a sudden, every other nun in the convent started to sing along. It became quite awkward. Then again, it was awkward just being in a convent with manly nuns...

"Wait a second," Clary whispered to me under the singing of the man-nuns. "Is that... Alec?!" I looked at her strangely. She pointed at the nun who began the singing, who was now right in front of us. "There, that one."

I looked closely. Piercing blue eyes, flawless skin, and what look like a faint scar on one of her - his? - hands. More than one scar, actually. There were a lot of them.

"Who the hell knows," I threw it to the wind.

Every. Single. Nun. Turned and looked at me.

And then we were running out the exit with a horde of angry man-nuns at our heels, cursing us for cursing. (What? As weird as it sounds, it's true.)

Moral of that really odd story - don't cuss in a convent.

Especially not the 'H' word. I would say H'bomb, but - you know what? Don't drop hydrogen bombs on convents either. That would be terribly inconvenient for people who did not support the Nazi party.

(Which, perhaps, is why there was never an H-bomb dropped on a convent.)

So, back to world news. Russia is currently being a dick - well, Vladimir Putin is currently being a mean man who doesn't like freewheeling bisexual warlocks like me.

I'm never going (back) to Russia.

Ever.

Also, NEW HARRY POTTER MOVIES!

The movies are completely incorrect pertaining as to how warlocks work their magic, and as far as I know no mundane has powers like that so they don't actually exist (in this universe) but they're still good movies so I think that's a good idea.

The other day I got an odd visit from some guy in a trench coat claiming to be an 'Angel of the Lord'. I told him he didn't know what he was smoking and to go back home.

He disappeared. Vanished. In front of my own eyes.

If I didn't know any better, I'd say the guy has anger management issues. Wonder what's up with him?

Aaaaaaaanyways, I better be getting to bed. I think I'm hosting a party tomorrow. Raphael the vampire wants me to throw him a birthday party. It'll be his 75th!

He doesn't look a day over 15... That worries me...

SEE YOU GUYS NEXT WEEK ON MY BLOG!

- Sister Mags

* * *

**So so so so so so so so so sorry we haven't updated this in forever! Riley here, by the way. Ali and I started writing this chapter at the end of June *hides face in shame* and I just now decided to finish it due to motivation of REVIEWS! **

**So if you want this story to keep going with its hilarious crackiness, then REVIEW REVIEW AS FAST AS YOU CAN**

**As other news - NEW HARRY POTTER MOVIE NEW HARRY POTTER MOVIE OH MY FRUGGIN GOD**

**I also have classical music stuck in my head.**

**THANK YOU AND GOODNIGHT!**

**-ThemPeskyParsnips :) **

**P.S. DO NOT FORGET TO REVIEW OR WE WILL THROW YOU INTO THE DOG PARK.**


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